981.6 Miles

You may read the title of this post and think it will be a heart warming reflection about the distance from my friends and family. You would be wrong. This post is about something else I miss with my whole heart, Chipotle. The nearest Chipotle is in Frankfurt, which according to Google Maps is a 17 hour drive, or since I’m not allowed to drive, a 303 hour walk.

After spying some peppers that looked spicy at the bazaar last weekend, I decided to make a burrito bowl, Ukrainian style.

STEP 1: Gather your ingredients

Since there’s no Kroger in Ukraine, this takes time, effort, and poor language skills.

You will need:

Rice

Chicken, purchased by pointing and saying “one.” Price will be a surprise. Forget a bag so look strange carrying a chicken breast in a plastic bag down the street. To my PC friends, the word for chicken breast does not translate to chicken chest, as Google translate would suggest.

Peppers, the yellowish white ones they sell at the bazaar

Other peppers, ones I pointed at and asked ‘hot?’, and was told yes.

Onion

Can of corn

TACO SEASONING that your loving parents sent you from America

Tomatoes, which I forgot to buy and had to ask my host mom for

Parsley, picked from my backyard because it bares a resemblance to cilantro

(Beans are optional because I forgot to buy them)

 

STEP 2: Make Rice

First, figure out how to work your gas stove. This may take 2-3 weeks before you ask your host family and they tell you the gas switch is on the wall. Panic about lighting your hand on fire every time.

Burn rice because options on stove are ‘lots of fire’ and ‘less fire.’

 

 

STEP 3: Make Salsa

First, google a recipe for Pico de Gallo. Realize you can actually kind of make it. Rejoice.

Cut up the tomatoes and onion into whatever size you want. Cut up the hot pepper into really small pieces. Curse self for nail-biting as your fingers burn. Blame tears on cutting onions. Add some salt. Pretend the recipe didn’t call for lime juice.

Optional: Mush everything together with a potato masher to make it more salsa-like.

 

STEP 4: The Good Stuff

Cut your chicken into Chipotle sized pieces. Cook until done, then add the whitish peppers and onions. Realize you forgot to wash your knife between cutting the chicken and the vegetables, say a silent prayer you don’t get salmonella. Cook that until the onions are clear. Get oil burns while adding vegetables because the stove is too hot. Add corn.

Cook until the oil has mostly cooked off because you left dirty dishes and the sink and can’t drain it. Then add some water and TACO SEASONING!!! Cover and simmer until the water is gone and it smells real taco-y.

STEP 5: Eat

Realize this took you so long to make that it’s only two hours before dinner. Eat anyway. Take an unappetizing looking photo.

VERDICT:

7/10

Enjoyable, but no Chipotle. Parsley and cilantro are vastly different.